Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
