My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
