my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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