Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
