it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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