So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
