i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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