I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
