I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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