I'm sorry my penis didn't work
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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