My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
