I could make wine with my vomit
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
