When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
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