All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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