the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize