and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
