Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
