they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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