textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
