i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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