He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
