I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
