remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We left an ass print on the piano.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
