sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
not ubering you a puppy
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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