Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
