You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
