Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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