Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
