I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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