I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
