Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
