i need an iv and a liver transplant
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
