My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
