I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
