Do you still have your period?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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