For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
