I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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