Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
