Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
