dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
