I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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