he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
