idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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