did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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