Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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