Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
