tell your sister to shave her snatch
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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