did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
