shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
