mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
