My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
