Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
