She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
