so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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