Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
