I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
